Conflict is normal in any relationships, however, it can in­crease in intensity and become emotionally or even physically unsafe. We must begin understanding what our issues are and how to discuss them…this is the 1st step to working them out. There are many resources available to help you learn how to deal with conflict, using these resources can help you and your partner to safely deal with your issues. Visit us at www.marriage101.us for more information and resources to help your marriage stay healthy!

Jewell R. Powell,

“The Marriage Coach”

Jewell R. Powell, “The Marriage Coach”© Grace Publishing, Inc., for more information visit us at: http://www.marriage101.us” 

Rule 1: Marriage isn’t about your happiness.  It’s not about you getting all your needs met through another person.  Practicing self-denial and self-sacrifice, patience, understanding, and forgiveness are the fundamentals of a great marriage.  If you want to be the center of the universe, then there’s a much better chance of that happening if you stay single.

Rule 2: Getting married gives a man a chance to step up and finish growing up.  The best preparation for marriage for a single man is to man up now and keep on becoming the man God created him to be.

Rule 3: It’s okay to have one rookie season, but it’s not okay to repeat your rookie season.  You will make rookie mistakes in your first year of marriage; the key is that you don’t continue making those same mistakes in year five, year 10, or year 20 of your marriage. 

Rule 4: It takes a real man to be satisfied with and love one woman for a lifetime.  And it takes a real woman to be content with and respect one man for a lifetime.

Rule 5: Love isn’t a feeling.  Love is commitment.  It’s time to replace the “D word”—divorce—with the “C word”—commitment.  Divorce may feel like a happy solution, but it results in long-term toxic baggage.  You can’t begin a marriage without commitment.  You can’t sustain one without it either.  A marriage that goes the distance is really hard work.  If you want something that is easy and has immediate gratification, then go shopping or play a video game.

Rule 6: Online relationships with old high school or college flames, emotional affairs, sexual affairs, and cohabiting are shallow and illegitimate substitutes for the real thing.  Emotional and sexual fidelity in marriage is the real thing.

Rule 7: Women spell romance R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P.  Men spell romance S-E-X.  If you want to speak romance to your spouse, become a student of your spouse, enroll in a lifelong “Romantic Language School,” and become fluent in your spouse’s language. 

Rule 8: During courtship, opposites attract.  After marriage, opposites can repel each another.  You married your spouse because he/she is different.  Differences are God’s gift to you to create new capacities in your life.  Different isn’t wrong, it’s just different.

Rule 9: Pornography robs men of a real relationship with a real person and poisons real masculinity, replacing it with the toxic killers of shame, deceit, and isolation.  Pornography siphons off a man’s drive for intimacy with his wife.  Marriage is not for wimps.  Accept no substitutes.

Rule 10: As a home is built, it will reflect the builder.  Most couples fail to consult the Master Architect and His blueprints for building a home.  Instead a man and woman marry with two sets of blueprints (his and hers).  As they begin building, they discover that a home can’t be built from two very different sets of blueprints.

Rule 11: How you will be remembered has less to do with how much money you make or how much you accomplish and more with how you have loved and lived.

Pass on “The Rules” to a friend who will enjoy them!

Copyright ©2010 by FamilyLife, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, www.familylife.com.  All rights reserved.

I was going to post something about “relationship resolutions” that we might set for the coming year, however (and as exciting as it to set these New Year’s resolutions) they have a 90% failure rate…that tend to die a quick death or fail to launch altogether. A lot of New Year’s resolutions fail because we’re so focused on the outcome, or the end result that we forget to figure out what’s important to us about the outcome we want, or what steps we need to take to take to achieve it, and what support we need and require to keep us going. (If you must do a new year’s resolution for your relationship, be sure to understand what’s important to you about the change you want to make and how you can keep focused on the importance of it front and center in your daily life.)

So, Instead, I decided I wanted to post something that would encourage us to review where we are now in our marriage in an effort to acknowledge what’s worked well over the past year in an effort to be able to celebrate our Marriage success over the past year.

As we move forward into the New Year, reflecting back over the past year helps us to be more aware of the positive ways we have handled things and situations in our marriage and family.  We will not complain about what we should’ve, could’ve or would’ve done over the past year, instead we will focus on WHAT WE DID get right!

I want you to reflect on 2010 and answer these questions; AND invite your spouse to respond, too, and then share what you both come up with:

• What did my mate and I do together that brought us closer or broke down barriers or resolved a conflict?
• What new thing did we do in our relationship that was for the better of the relationship?
• What old habit did we stop doing that enhanced our relationship?
• How did we seek Christ to help support and sustain our relationship together?
• How did our efforts positively impact our parenting and our child/ren?
• How did I show my commitment to the success of my relationship with my spouse this last year?
• How did my mate show his commitment in a positive way to support our relationship together?
• What do I want to acknowledge about our relationship success this last year?
• What do I want to acknowledge about myself and my spouse?

Ok, so I know I said this wasn’t going to be about New Year’s resolutions, but after further thought, I feel it is also important for us all to think about something we could possibly do better, by looking back at what we did.  So…..if you could change one thing about how you impacted your relationship with your spouse in 2010, what would it be? (This is not about  what you wish you could change about your mate, or in your relationship together but rather If you could change one thing in yourself—with the goal of positively impacting your marriage, your co-parenting, your attitude with your mate—what would that one thing be?)

What’s important to you about changing that one thing? How do you imagine that change would affect your relationship with your mate and your child/ren?

If you were to take one tiny step—to achieve a small mile stone, what would it be? What would inspire you to take that step and, then, another? How can you build that sense of inspiration into your daily life?

As we reflect on these things of 2010, let us resolve to make an annual effort to honor where our relationship is going by honoring where we’ve been!

Have a wonderful, blessed, Christ centered and love filled New Year!

Jewell Powell, “The Marriage Coach”

Jewell R. Powell, “The Marriage Coach”© Grace Publishing, Inc., for more information visit us at: http://www.marriage101.us”

Trust is the glue that holds a marriage together. We want to feel we can trust our partners and that we honor and respect each other.  People begin to lie in their relationships for many reasons.  They lie because they have something to hide, (for example hiding accounts/money) and they will say it’s to protect you or the family, but it’s really to protect their own interests.  Lying to hide anything in marriage is a selfish and destructive act and it really doesn’t address or fix any problems. We must learn how to be a team in every aspect of marriage, including finances and consider other options for solving financial difficulties. Anything else would be the same as playing a parental role over your spouse which is disrespectful and humiliating.

 People also lie because they feel they can—it works for them and they believe they will get away with it. They believe they won’t get caught, and so they will continue to lie until they discover that it’s no longer working for them. People lie because they believe they have a right to lie, they feel entitled to keep information away from their partner or they feel justified because of the position oe r role they play in the home or relationship, they turn the tables on others in the attempt to make themselves look good and others look bad. They don’t want to be held accountable for their behavior.

Deception is wrong on every level, and there is no “good excuse” for it! It damages trust and respect and has no place in a marriage. We must be trustworthy and honest in our marriage and encourage one another in areas of weakness. We must build each other up, and expect the best from one another. And finally, we must remember that God is a God of Truth. As Christians, we should always be striving to live holy, following the example of Christ.  1 Corinthians 13: 6 says “Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.”

What impact have you found deception to have on your relationships?

Jewell R. Powell,“The Marriage Coach”© Grace Publishing, Inc. For more information visit us at: http://www.marriage101.us”